One of the things that’s changed in recent days kink wise I’ve began subbing for a female dominant who also happens to be former military she won me over very very quickly and proceeded to not only take my heart but my mind and body along with it. It’s already to the point where I find myself unconsciously thinking would she want me doing this if she were here next to me? She is one of the few people helping to not only better my life but better my day by something simple as her presence . She has no qualms about cracking the whip to get me where I need to be which is also wherever she wants me to be. I will now be updating this blog regularly with fitness progress but also my journey with Her as well 🙂
Stupid that’s the first word that comes to mind…… I knew where this path was headed yet I followed it anyway chasing something I had no buisiness hoping for from someone who I love to death but she well she doesnt see me in that way …. well not anymore anyway
Now what am I left with shattered hopes, broken dreams and a slew of what ifs and a wound that seemingly never heals because in simplest terms even tho i know im wasting my time hoping for it I still love her. She’s moved on found someone who makes her happy and yet for some fucked up reason all I want is to make her happy however I can……. even though nothing I do is seemingly enough and I should “know better ” or it comes off as trying to hard and because of this I end up in the way. She is one of the few people who I actually care enough that how she feels about me actually matters ……. and lately all I seem to hear is oh I need to do this and i should know how to do that . Simply because I dont know how to do certain things that she feels I should ie cooking and other things. I have a ton on my plate my minds not on the present it’s drowning in depression due to the closeness of my mothers passing but she seemingly cant see the effects her words have on me ripping me open again and again and maybe it’s her way of trying to toughen me up to help in some fucked up way idk. all the same all it’s done for the most part is reaffirm the same issues I’ve had all my life nothing i ever do is good enough and all I do is get in the way , so I’ll fade into the backround within this group of people i call friends yet more an more I see the contrast inbetween us It’s as if we are from two seperate worlds and all it seems to do is highlight the differences and make me wonder why I ever left what was I hoping for other than a prayer of a slim chance at happiness. Instead I’ve changed to make people happy that I barely know and they hardly know me . The question I ask over and over is who am i now what am I now where do I belong? I cant go back I’m not who I used to be . Yet by the same token i can’t press forward . By the same token these people here I need them they anchor me keep me sane there are days where the wounds are staunched for a time at least . they offered me food shelter and other necessities I didnt have when I came here tho the question remains how do i balance that with the feeling of losing myself and emotional wounds inflicted again and again . The same question repeats it’self over an over what do I do now? where do I go? who am I?
Lately it’s just seemed to me that a ton of things are rising up as either a setback or idk just a way of pulling me down deeper into the never ending darkness that is my mind love life’s in shambles…. Again I’m still very close to the woman I was with which isn’t easy … Especially considering i let her go the gym to me is both blessing an curse these days I love it always have always will but these days I leave pissed off or frustrated from it then i return depressed and that’s never a good combo with me I’ve also moved way up north from the sunny beaches of Florida to get away from some personal shit yet it seems demons follow me everywhere in one form or another and the main question repeated over and over again in my mind is simply Why?
So long story short I’m finally noticing my hard work on my body maybe its just one of those things you never really see until a certain point but I’m finally seeing it now I used to hate how I look now well…. Now I’m at least hopeful I’m headed in the right direction
I had arms like a twig originally adding any size at all was and has been difficult for me I’m much more self confident and much more sure of myself and what I’m doing I feel fired up and idk what the word is but I’m freaking happy lol
Been a bit since I posted on here.dealt with alot moving to a new place stressed over a few things woke up at like 4:30 this morning in the gym by 5:30 obviously one of my goals is adding muscle yet lately my progress has been in other areas mainly bodyweight workouts for example pullups for years were impossible for me for medical reasons today I just said I’m doing this it’s gonna happen granted I was doing it.in.sets of three or four.at a time but by the end of it I’d done 11 which may not seem like much but to me it’s been the bane of my workout existance for years so I’m happy but by no means satisfied . This is my new benchmark now I wanna beat that number 🙂
Today for me was just one of those days where I went into the gym put my headphones on and just went to work . Just finished a hour an thirty eight minute workout I was virtually undisturbed which never happens lol I.can honestly say I threw everything I had at the iron today and I feel just awesome ,like a gladiator in the arena I’ve just won my own personal battle today but the war is far from.over ..Set a.few new prs today and truly feel like I pushed it today and looking at my body and face post workout my reflection agrees lol 🙂
Today was just cardio hitting the treadmills and ellipticals after doing a hard full body circuit in the gym was really feeling sore after I stopped moving but in a good way I love soreness after a workout , it means I’m doing it right , All in all about two hours of cardio getting to an from the gym then hit the cardio hard at the gym itself . Also will post my maxs up after tomorrows workout .